


Performance Issues

by tuesday



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5+1 Things, Adult Peter Parker, Aliens Made Them Do It, Crack, Lust Potion/Spell, M/M, Sex Pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 19:44:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17689694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesday/pseuds/tuesday
Summary: Five times the universe tried to get Tony Stark and Peter Parker to have sex and one time they actually did.Written for the Tony Stark Bingo R3 square, "Aliens Made Them Do It."





	Performance Issues

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've written for the Tony Stark Bingo. I expect there will be more. Cross your fingers for a blackout.
> 
> This is MCU because of some of the events and characters, but of the sort where you're like, "Canon? What canon? Timeline? What timeline?" This fic is here to have a good time, not to be canon compliant, basically. Peter is 18+ for the entirety of the fic and Infinity Wars has no power here. 
> 
> Thank you to jf4m for the beta! 
> 
> Content advisories in the end notes.

1\. The Guardians of the Galaxy

"Yeah, we'll help you," Rocket said, "but I want that guy's glowy jewel thing."

"Even if my technology were up for grabs—which it's not—this is grafted into my chest," Tony said flatly. For a group calling themselves the Guardians of the Galaxy, they were a bunch of assholes.

"We can figure something out," Quill said.

"Oo, let's make them have sex," Rocket said, because whoever had engineered his brain had a sick sense of humor and so did he.

"Okay," Peter said, already pulling at his suit.

"No, not okay!" Tony said, slapping his hands away from the release button.

"We're sorry about him," Gamora said.

"No, we're not," Quill said.

"I am Groot," Groot said.

"I didn't actually want to watch them have sex. I just wanted to see if they'd do it."

"We would," Peter said cheerfully.

"No, we would not."

"But, Mr. Stark, don't you want to get home?"

"Under no circumstances is your virginity acceptable currency to get there." Tony had lost control of the situation, because there was no world in which he wanted to be having this conversation. "Nor do they even want us to, so stop volunteering."

"Not a virgin," Peter said, which was information Tony did not need and was not going to inquire into further.

It wasn't a good negotiating strategy, but Tony desperately needed the conversation to move on from his barely legal protege offering to have sex with him. "Look, back home, I'm a billionaire. I'm not sure what that translates to out here, but it means I am rich. Very, very rich. I can hook you up with whatever resources you need if Earth has it. You just need to get us there first."

"Works for me," Quill said.

* * *

 

2\. The Grandmaster

Sakaar was a terrible planet with terrible people, and Tony couldn't wait to leave. The worst was the Grandmaster, a slickly charming and odious man who needed to be shot into the vacuum of space.

"You're quite lucky! Normally it would be into the arena with you, but I've been thinking of expanding into other areas of entertainment."

"You want us to have sex in front of how many people?" Peter asked weakly.

"Performance issues? Don't worry, we have drugs for that."

"We are not having sex," Tony insisted.

"If you have no personal compatibility, that does make for a poor show. Our champion could step in."

"No one else is allowed to have sex with him, either!"

"You could if you wanted to," Peter mumbled.

"Everyone loves the Hulk," the Grandmaster said.

"Wait, I'm sorry—did you just say the Hulk? Big, green guy with anger management issues?"

"Yes. Do you know each other? Oh, here he comes now."

Fortunately, Hulk had very strong feelings on consent and was still fond of Tony from their Avengers days. He didn't accompany them on their way off Sakaar, and Tony honestly had no idea how to convince him. On the plus side, the Grandmaster was going to trash the new program before it ever got off the ground.

* * *

 

3\. Loki

Loki was the absolute worst. Peter had apparently caught the real one with his webbing, and while it hadn't held him, Loki was not pleased about what that had done to his hair. He was just slinging spells at random, flashes of color and sparkling lights. When one spell hit a lamppost, it turned into a swan and attacked the person who'd been huddled behind it, recording the whole thing on their cell phone. Peter stopped to help them, and Tony only just barely managed to intercept the beam of light aimed their way.

The effects were immediate and painful, because no matter people's thoughts on Tony and his relationship with his machines, he had not designed his armor to accommodate an erection. More fool him.

"What the hell. Who hits a kid with a lust spell?"

"Lust spell?" Peter asked with entirely too much interest. Then, "And I'm nineteen!"

"Enough of your tricks!" Thor roared. He caught Loki with his hammer and flung him through the front of a building.

Tony just knew he was going to have to pay for that. That should've put a damper on what he was feeling, but no, it was only getting worse. He could feel sweat gathering at his temples and beading in the small of his back. His skin prickled with the need to be touched. The armor was air conditioned, but he felt like he was burning up.

When Thor stepped back out of the rubble of the building's facade, he was alone. "My brother has fled," he declared, like they couldn't see that for themselves.

"Yeah, great, whatever, but how do we get this spell off me?" Tony was leaking, he was so hard, and he couldn't tell if it was better or worse to add everything being wet to the painful friction he got whenever he moved.

"He wasn't trying to hurt anyone," Thor reassured him, flying in the face of literally everything that had just happened. "He laid a minor cantrip upon you, a common prank at parties. It will dissipate with the setting of the sun."

"Sundown's not for _three hours_." Tony made a strangled sound that came out as static over the suit's speakers. "Tell me that I can just take care of the problem myself."

"Unfortunately," and Thor, the asshole, was laughing at him, his eyes crinkling at the corners and lips pressed together with poorly concealed mirth, "it's reoccurring. The problem will _come up_ again and again until the spell runs its course."

"If you need help with that—" Peter said.

"No. Absolutely not."

"It's just, it was aimed at me, and I feel responsible."

"Loki is the one responsible, and I'm not sleeping with him either."

Tony went home and had the best and worst three hours of his life in recent memory. This was a common prank on Asgard? Tony privately vowed he was never, ever going, even if they did open up to mere mortals.

* * *

 

4\. Matchmaking Asgardian Grandma

Asgard was the worst.

"But you would be very attractive together," said the chatty grandmother who'd cornered him at the feast being thrown in the Avengers' honor. "And it's obvious from the partial episode that aired of the Grandmaster's failed romance program that the young man is rather taken with you."

"The Grandmaster—are you saying that you have television here? And that we were on it?"

"Oh, is that what you Midgardians call it? And yes, the first episode aired live. It's such a shame that you were so stubborn. You would have been beautiful together. You still could be."

 _Save me_ , Tony mouthed at Clint from across the room.

 _Suffer_ , Clint mouthed back.

Natasha glided up and put a hand on Tony's shoulder. "Hello. I don't believe we've met."

If Tony thought she was there to rescue him, he was gravely mistaken.

Later, on their way home, Peter said, "Did anyone else get their butt pinched by Thor's grandma?"

The chance to look at the Bifrost wasn't worth this.

* * *

 

5\. Alien Plant Life

Tony was really, really tired of space and its varied and assorted bullshit.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stark. I know I shouldn't have touched it." Peter's voice was miserable. "And I probably shouldn't have taken my mask off, but I was just so hot, and it felt like I couldn't breathe—"

"This is why you should have kept the hard vacuum mode on," Tony said, though it wasn't like he could talk. The only reason he was fine was that the armor had better air filters than Peter's suit, something Tony was going to rectify the moment they were home and he had access to his workshop. "Just—stop apologizing."

Peter was plastered against the front of the armor, unable to walk, but perfectly capable of rubbing himself off, which he was doing again, hips twitching every time he stopped paying attention. "I'm sorry. I mean—sorry. Sorry. Fuck."

Peter buried his face in the shoulder of the armor and whimpered as they touched down by the ship. The armor, Peter, and the suit were covered in a fine dusting of pollen, and Tony warned everyone back when the airlock opened.

"I see you've encountered the local plant life," Bruce said.

"You could say that."

"The flowers came on my face," Peter said.

And then Peter came on Tony's armor, but they weren't talking about that.

"We need to go through decon, so if you could go back in the ship?"

They did. Peter and Tony did. It only helped so much, the spores still active in Peter's system, though at least there was nothing else to fuel the reaction. They went straight to the lab on the ship to see what could be done.

"Okay, so I know Peter got exposed to one of this galaxy's most potent aphrodisiacs," Natasha said, because apparently she hadn't gotten the memo that they weren't talking about this, "but what's your excuse?"

"I had to carry him here," Tony gritted out.

"I'm really, really sorry," Peter said. His face was against Tony's actual shoulder now. Tony could feel it when he shuddered all over and came again.

Tony didn't care what emergency there was or who was calling in favors. He was never going into space again.

* * *

 

+1

It was just Peter and Tony, sitting in Tony's workshop. There were no aliens or spells or fucked up flowers. There was no excuse or reason besides that they wanted to.

Peter pushed aside the suit filter Tony was working on and said, "If you don't want me, that's fine, but I need to know that it's actually me and not the circumstances you're objecting to."

Oh, this was bad. Tony opened his mouth and found he couldn't lie. Awkwardly, he said, "Like the Hulk, I have very strong feelings on consent."

"I'm consenting."

All Tony had to do was say, _I'm not_ , and Peter would drop this. What Tony actually said was, "How about dinner first?"

Peter countered with, "How about a kiss?"

They had sex right there on the workshop floor. Afterward, they got dinner, too.

* * *

 

The next time aliens tried to get them to have sex, Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I don't have an exhibition kink."

"I kind of do, but I'm definitely not fucking anyone in front of my best friend," Tony said.

"Less banter, more escaping," Rhodey said.

The universe was weird and sometimes wanted Peter and Tony to have sex. Sometimes, in the privacy of their own bedroom, they did.

**Author's Note:**

> Content advisories: Aliens try to make them have sex. Sex pollen, with one character rubbing off on another. Situational humiliation. Lust spells. Mild sexual harassment in addition to the major sexual harassment. Canon typical violence. Age gap. If there's anything you have a special concern about, as always, feel free to ask.
> 
> Also, separate thing, but to be clear: Tony says the new arc reactor is grafted to his chest, even though we know from what he says in IW that the casing can be removed. Rocket doesn't know that, though.


End file.
